While I would want people to enjoy the time with their families, the end of the world, asking for a flying car, a new wallet or a pony just seems ridiculous. Had this really been the end of the world, everyone would be out of luck. And so, Santa, with your help I present to you my “End of the World” survival Christmas list.
When there is a global catastrophe (and believe me, one day there will be), people need to know how to survive without all the technology we’ve become so dependent upon. First thing on my list: give people skills to communicate without Facebook, texting or Twitter. Five hundred years from now, when the new species are inspecting our ancient remains, I’d hope they don’t read “LOL First!!1!!!11!” written on the insides of caves. Let people communicate in proper grammar, above all, so we don’t look like idiots when more advanced life forms inhabit the earth.
Santa, I would also like for people to adapt to harsh situations. In the end of days, Hostess won’t be there to save you. In fact, Hostess can’t even save you now. There won’t be grocery stores and meat packaging anymore. Those stores will have been dried out long before most could get to them. It’s important that more people know how to hunt to survive and grow their own vegetables. If the cavemen could do it, guess what, you can too.
Most humans would be absolutely clueless if the world did come to its end. Some of those simply disregard it saying “You Only Live Once (YOLO for short)” which is basically Carpe Diem derived from the kids of the American education system. Need I say more. Santa, I wish you would give these YOLO-ers some common sense because they desperately need it. In the end of days, I’m afraid that the younger ones who grew up in our broken educational system will be the first to perish.
When the time comes, the world will be engulfed in chaos. People will take to the streets and loot and all laws will fall into darkness. In this hypothetical dark time, Mr. Claus, I really do feel that more people need to be armed. If you could talk to Congress about lowering the age to 18 so that more can legally buy handguns, that’d be great. We all have the right to bear arms, but there are many who wish to take it away or are just too afraid to learn proper gun handling. When we are in our darkest hour, humans will need to use weapons effectively to survive. Whether zombies, aliens or the most probable human attacks your family, you will wish you knew how to protect them. Santa, could you — at the very least — open people’s minds to gun safety and teach them that they too can safely wield the weapon for their defense.
I assume most people will try to travel to get away from evil forces or to be closer with their families. Could your elves design a car that runs on something other than gasoline? Water maybe? For those travelling long distances, it would be safer to be in a big vehicle like a truck or Hummer, but if the world runs out of gas everyone is out of luck. If there’s a way to engineer a car with a better reusable fuel source, do it. Do it now.
I’m sorry to put all this on you right now Santa. This is supposed to be a cheery time of year. Perhaps by next year, if all my list comes true then maybe the world won’t be doomed.
Thank you for listening to my list, Mr. Claus.
Sincerely,
Jessica Brown
Jessica Brown is the staff photographer for the Barrow Journal. You can reach her at jessica@barrowjournal.com.
