SINN-CLARK: Family violence is a community problem

According to Peace Place statistics, last year 100 women and 98 children stayed at the shelter; 343 domestic violence survivors (they are not called victims...) received non-shelter related services; the 24-hour Crisis Line took 1,321 calls. Those are the statistics. The real story is how many victims (I call them victims because they are being abused...) of family violence never place a call to that Crisis Line or darken a Peace Place door.

We all know someone who is the victim of psychological and/or physical abuse at the hands of a loved one. Is it a coworker? A friend, relative, neighbor or someone at your church? Each of their stories is unique to their situation and every one is heartbreaking.

I have had a couple of friends in abusive relationships and have dealt with countless family violence victims during my years as an emergency room social worker, and before that, in a district attorney’s office. My sister-in-law was the victim of violent abuse for years and no one knew it because her life looked so perfect from the outside. That’s the thing about family violence - it happens in all races, religions and economic groups. There is no predicting who is abusing or being abused; family violence crosses all the lines.

“Why do they tolerate it?” Why don’t they leave?” Those are the big questions without clear answers when the topic of family violence comes up. And, that is one of the many reasons the whole idea of family violence makes us so uncomfortable. There shouldn’t be violence in families and if there is, the women shouldn’t stay. That’s what we think, but that’s not how it is.

The women I know and have worked with who are victims of abuse genuinely love their boyfriend, husband, family member/abuser whoever it is. Often there’s children and/or pets involved. Often the victim is not able to support herself and those children and/or pets on her own. There is the societal pressure to stay together and the personal feelings of failure that come when a relationship turns into a mess. Often the victim/survivor has low self esteem and believes those mean things the abuser says...

Most often abusers and their victim/loved ones grew up in a violent home, so they don’t know it can be any other way. There is also the reoccurring cycle these couples or families go through - a cycle they can’t escape without help. It’s the cycle of living, which means stress, which means tension builds up; then, something triggers the tension and someone gets hurt; anger, pain and injuries result. This is the point when the victim leaves, if she ever does...Then comes the remorseful, “I’m sorry!” “We miss each other so much!” phase, during which reconciliation occurs. Then life goes on, more stress, more tension, another outburst and here we go again. Often alcohol or drugs are involved; money problems can be a factor, too, although violence does occur in big fancy homes.

Dealing with or trying to help a victim of abuse is difficult and uncomfortable because there’s no easy fix or rapid result. It takes most family violence victims years to leave or change their situation. It’s hard to watch someone caught in a cycle that makes it look like she doesn’t want to help herself. It’s hard to watch someone suffer in silence and/or cry out for help, only to deny what’s happening and go back through the cycle again.

But, it’s not about being comfortable. It’s about addressing a huge problem in our community. If you suspect someone you know is being abused, ask them about it and offer support - not advice, just non-judgmental support. Try to get them hooked up or at least make them aware of the Peace Place Crisis Line. Encourage them to find out about Peace Place services. Also, encourage them to make a safety plan and help them reach out to others. The one thing nearly all of these victim/survivors say is, “I feel so alone...”

If you are blessed enough to be able to give either time or money, please consider doing so. The Peace Place mission is “effecting change and ending domestic violence.” They can’t do that alone. Each year the demand for services rises, while funding shrinks. Family violence is a community-wide problem and it needs a community-wide cure.

For more information or to donate online, go to www.PeacePlaceInc.org The mailing address is PO Box 948, Winder, GA 30680. The Thrift Store is located at 339 Hwy 82 in Jefferson; all proceeds support Peace Place. The office line is 770-307-3633; the 24-hour Crisis Line is 770-586-0927.

Lorin Sinn-Clark is a writer for the Barrow Journal. She can be reached at lorin@barrowjournal.com.