It’s not lost on me that as I write about my experience as a mother, every other mother has a different experience, either by choice or situation.
Lately I’ve been having some conversations with friends about the pressure we put on ourselves to be good mothers. Fortunately, we have many choices available to us today, unlike our grandmothers. We can work, we can stay at home, we can homeschool, or we can choose to not homeschool. Sometimes it seems like our choices are endless.
But some mothers don’t have choices. I know moms who want to stay home with their children, but they can’t afford to.
Unfortunately, they hear “it’s better to stay home with your children,” “it’s better to raise a child with a husband,” “it’s better to (insert your own)” and that only makes them feel guilty. And how can they spend that extra time helping their children read when their major worry is paying the bills?
I would be remiss if I didn’t say that some mothers are not mothers, but fathers! Whether a stay-at-home dad or raising a child on his own, fathers face many of the same issues women do. I write about mothers because I associate mostly with women, but I know there are many fathers facing difficult choices and balancing acts too.
Some women want to work, and that is perfectly acceptable. Why are children better off staying home with moms who might not want to be there full-time? Though children may spend less time with mom, it may be better quality time because mommy is happy.
There are women who can’t have children. I can’t imagine the pain that several of my dear friends are experiencing while suffering from infertility. It makes me want to cry and never mention my children to them.
I also have friends who have chosen not to have children. This is a worthy choice too, and I don’t understand people who argue against it. Having children is a personal choice, and it’s a huge commitment. If only everyone thought harder about what it means to have children, kids in our society would be better off.
As Louise Erdrich writes, “Women without children are also the best of mothers, often, with the patience, interest and saving grace that the constant relationship with children cannot always sustain.”
I am fortunate that I don’t hang out with mothers who are competitive, but I have read about circles of women who constantly feel like they have to mirror their friend’s standards as a mom. They want to make sure their children are hitting all the milestones ahead of their peers.
I can understand why this happens. Sometimes I second-guess myself when I see another mother who lives up to a standard that I can’t attain. Her kids eat everything, keep quiet and her house is clean too? I can usually shake myself free from this unrealistic image, but it still hangs there on the wall of my wishful thinking.
I hear mothers make statements such as “Children should (insert any activity or habit),” and I feel defensive if my children don’t do it. Why do all kids need to do this, I think?
Yet sometimes I hear myself making those foolish statements too.
We all know there are bad moms out there — moms who put their needs above their children on a daily, continuous basis. I’m not talking about those moms. Most moms try their best.
Whether we are physically with our children or not, we worry about them 24/7. How can I be a better mother, we ask?
Since I have chosen to homeschool my children, I am afraid that non-homeschooling moms think I’m judging them because they don’t homeschool. Nothing could be farther from my mind. Parents have to decide what is right for their children and their family.
You don’t have to homeschool, you don’t have to stay at home full-time, and you don’t have to have a natural birth or birth your own children to be a good mother.
Children are all different, so they need different parents. They need to develop on their own time frame; they need their own hobbies, and their own way of living. Good mothers intuit these needs and do the best they can to help their children. Good mothers and fathers love their children unconditionally. That’s what it takes.
Shelli Bond Pabis is a Winder resident and columnist for the Barrow Journal. You can reach her at writetospabis@gmail.com.
