“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” – Havelock Ellis
A friend mentioned the other day that he would soon be moving his son to a dorm at Georgia Tech and for some reason, a flood gate of memories opened about the day Mr. Clark and I moved our son into his dorm room at Mercer University. Our son is 30 now and I haven’t thought of that sweat, tear and emotion-filled day in years, but it all came back so vividly… What a long, poignant day!
Our son and his unknown roommate were assigned to a third floor room in the oldest dorm on campus — a beautiful, architecturally-rich building with no air conditioning. It was hot as Hades the day we moved him in and the stairs to the third floor were narrow and steep. His new roommate and his parents were making the move at the same time and after a few trips it became obvious that both boys were outfitted with the exact same gear — right down to the big, round, nearly industrial-sized fan still bearing a Sam’s Club price tag.
It turned out his mom and I read the same book about how to outfit your kid for college and (at least attempt) to let go emotionally. It was called Empty Nest…Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College, by a psychologist/mom named Andrea Van Steenhouse. My dad heard her on a radio talk show and, knowing how hard letting go is for me, he sent me the book. I’m not sure how the other mom found it, but we both obviously read it carefully, made notes and took it to heart.
The big fans were a real ice-breaker for the boys. They got quite a laugh out of each mom’s super-sized interpretation of “fan” as listed in the book under the “if heat is a consideration” part of the “gear” chapter.
“My mom’s a real over-reactor,” my son said, to which his new roommate replied, “Mine, too, in a major way.”
And, somehow both of us moms felt better knowing that each boy would be with another who knew that help, too many phone calls, excessive potential coddling and a mother’s sixth sense were only a few hundred miles away. We agreed that if either boy needed anything, we’d both be right there and somehow, that softened the blow of the impending “good bye,” at least a little bit.
And, then it came — the time to say that “Good Bye!” With tears welling up in our eyes, we tried to be brave and strong, and we both failed miserably, ending up sobbing in our sons’ arms, wishing we could turn back time and make them little again. I haven’t had that hard of a time driving away since the day I dropped my then-so-little boy off for the first day of kindergarten. There were a lot of tears then, too…
We offered to stay for pizza and the boys graciously declined; better to have their first pizza together without their sniffling moms in the room…We later heard that after pizza they popped (probably all of the) microwave popcorn both moms had packed for them (for the whole semester) in their twin microwaves, then made a famous game of blowing it back and forth, up and down the long, wide, hot dorm hall outside their room, with their huge Sam’s Club fans – an activity that engaged the excited interest of the entire third floor of young, freshly dropped off, Mercer men.
In the process, friendships began that evening that remain intact today.
I highly recommend Empty Nest…Full Heart: The Journey from Home to College, by Andrea Van Steenhouse to any parent wresting with the joy, sadness and poignancy of the senior year, that last summer at home, the college move and those first few visits home/to campus. There are some growing pains there that a little guidance can help a lot with. And though the book was written some years ago, the message and details still apply. It is, as one reviewer put it, “a lively, humorous and emotionally resonant” read – one that saved my over-attentive-trying-to-let-go mom’s life.
My son, his roommate and several of their third floor dorm buddies spent their second year at Mercer in Wales, opting to use the “recommended items to pack” list issued by the Mercer Study Abroad team, rather than what their mothers wanted them to take. The boys then finished their college days at U.G.A. in separate, yet equally over-equipped apartments outfitted by their still over-attentive moms.
Once my son married, I was able to turn his care over to his wife – a huge relief for all three of us – and so far, they are living happily ever after.
The huge Mercer fan is still in our attic…after all, so many fond memories, and who knows? Someday we might have a grandchild who ends up at Mercer and he or she is going to need a fan....
Lorin Sinn-Clark is features editor of the Barrow Journal. She can be reached at lorin@barrowjournal.com.
