I know what you’re probably thinking. “What in the heck is this girl talking about?” Well, to be completely honest I’m not quite sure myself.
You see, this week I was having a really hard time trying to figure out what my column was going to be about.
I got a real bad case of writer’s block. So, I called my best friend Chip. I figured he might bring me inspiration, or at least take my mind off the approaching deadline. As usual, we ended up talking about random stuff until well after midnight. Then, a song I found on YouTube a few months ago began playing on my stereo. We both started laughing hysterically at “I Rock Onesies” written by one of my favorite Internet stars, Timothy Delaghetto.
Before I knew it, Chip was suggesting I write about onesies. I laughed and said “OK.”
So Chip, this column goes out to you… I can’t believe you convinced me to write this.
And now let’s get on to the main attraction – the onesie. First of all, what is it? Well, the onesie is a magical piece of clothing that covers from head to toe.
As the name suggests, it’s a one-piece pajama outfit that usually zips in the front. All the ones I have seen have long sleeves and booties attached at the bottom. You can find them in clothes section in stores such as Wal-Mart or Target.
I remember I had one or two when I was little. And I can definitely think of some pros and cons of this magical device.
A Pro: You never need a blanket. The onesie keeps you nice and warm. It’s like the original Snuggie! But the Snuggie can only do so much. It doesn’t envelope your entire body, including your feet. If any of you are like me, when your feet get cold you shiver from head to toe.
Normal blankets, and even the high-tech Snuggie can’t keep your feet completely covered. However, invest your money in a onesie and your feet surely will stay warm!
A Con: You may get too hot. Most onesies are constructed of fleece, a very heavy and hot material. You definitely don’t want to lie under the covers unless it’s a cold winter night.
A Pro: I think that it must be mandatory for every onesie to have a cool pattern or design. When have you ever seen just a solid color onesie? I’ve seen ones with puppies, penguins, rocket ships, leopard print and much more.
Your onesie can tell a lot about your personality, so in a way it’s an expression of you. Who knew a onesie could be so deep!
A Con: It comes in standard sizes. It’s not custom made. Sometimes they may not fit in the feet or they are too long in the legs/arms. Luckily you can roll up the sleeves, but for the pants you’re out of luck.
A Pro: Onesies are so fashionable! Imagine going to a sleep over. All your friends are wearing pajama pants or nightgowns but you show up with originality.
No one messes with the onesie! You can even adjust the zipper position to make it even cooler (literally if you zip half way down you’ll get a refreshing breeze). Top it off with a pair of groovy sunglasses, and you’re ready for a night on the town!
A Pro: You can’t get pantsed! There are some people who love to embarrass others by pulling their pants down in public. “Oh, you can avoid that by wearing a belt,” people have said. But, with enough force the belt will fall too. A onesie is the safest protection against pantsings and also wedgies.
You can’t pull down something that connects from your feet to neck! In your face bullies! No one messes with the guy in the onesie.
The most important pro of all: (Cue inspirational and emotional music.) It’s built for comfort and security. When you get scared in the middle a thunderstorm, your onesie will be there.
When your Scooby Doo nightlight burns out, your onesie will still be there.
When the boogeyman jumps out from the closet and takes you to his secret lair in the Underworld, your onesie will still be there. It may have some yellow stains on it now, but it’ll still be there with you.
When you really stop to think about this little invention, it’s quite fascinating. Who knew it would be so powerful!
Chip and I even joked about wearing them to school and even Prom. He dared me to wear one for an entire school day. I told him I would if he did it with me. Who knows, maybe we will.
All I know for certain is that in the words of Timothy Delaghetto: “We rock them things that connect all the way to the feets. We rock onesies baby! I rock onesies! Watch us for funsies. All the haters if they hating will be donesies.”
Jessica Brown is the photographer for the Barrow Journal. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This isn't so much a comment about this column (I don't know anything about the topic to be honest) but about the columnists and writers for The Barrow Journal in general. I think this paper has a well rounded group that offers opinions and insights on a variety of topics. I disagree with some of the political ones but I still enjoy reading them. I also like the ones that are not political in nature (Jessica Brown usually stays away from politics). Anyway, just wanted to pass this along.