COLUMN: Wacky rules to live by

Let’s start with my Granddad’s favorite rule. “Never put your butt higher than your head,” he says, “it only leads to trouble.” Roller coasters, hand stands, cartwheels, and flips off the diving board are just some of the examples that violate this rule.

I used to think this rule was a joke. My granddad always makes jokes, so I figured this was just another to add to the list. And being the very intelligent person I am, I went against this rule. Boy, was that a mistake.

Folks, don’t break this rule on a trampoline. I tried to do a front flip that only ended in pain. While my butt was over my head, my angle of projection sent me over the rest of the trampoline and slammed me into the fence! From that moment on, I learned to obey that rule.

Moving on to my dad’s number one rule. It’s just a tad bit strange, but give it a chance. “Never live somewhere that if you walk outside naked, you could die,” he stresses.

Now before you pass judgment on this rule, think about it. It encompasses a variety of scenarios. For instance, if you step out your front door in the nude and:
1. You die from heat stroke
2. You die from hypothermia
3. You die from radioactive material
4. You die from a drive by shooting
5. You die from living in a town overrun by escaped zoo animals
6. You die from embarrassment for being naked in your front yard for all your neighbors to see
you may want to consider finding a new place to live.

I have not tested this rule, but something in my gut tells me it’s good to live by. It’s common sense. You can just think about the area and imagine if you were naked what would happen. Trust me folks, this could save your life someday.

Bill Gates had some good advice too. “Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.” It’s true. Most of us will be working for nerds. If you’re still in school, remember to be nice to the nerds because they will get their revenge later in life when you’re working under their authority.

This next rule I firmly believe in. “If you can’t fix something with WD-40, Duct Tape, or a Band-Aid, you’re in trouble.” It’s necessarily a rule per say, but it does make you think. Make sure you don’t break something that you can’t fix. It teaches you to be more cautious and careful.

I remember when I was playing with one of my favorite stuffed animals. He was a dinosaur (a T-rex to be exact), and his name was Buddy. Well, Buddy and I played and played… until one day stuffing was protruding from his foot. I still don’t know how it happened, but I’m sure I was to blame. However, with a little quick thinking and two Band-Aids, I was able to save poor Buddy’s foot. Band-Aids save the day again!

One day when I was browsing the web, I discovered this gem of a rule: “Always put your smile on. People will assume you are a crazy person and won't mess with you.” There is a lot of truth in that statement. Walk into the store with a big crazed smile on your face and watch people scatter, making your shopping experience less stressful and less time-consuming. I tried this approach a while back. It works, but your face muscles will get sore. It’s essential to practice at home to build strong face muscles in order for this rule to work.

I think my number one rule applies mainly to women. “Never marry/date someone with the same mannerisms as Jack Nicholson in any of his roles.” Let’s face it; Jack Nicholson has a long history of dark characters. In “Batman” he played the Joker. Self explanatory. In “The Shining” he plays Jack Torrance, a man who slowly goes insane and almost kills his family. In “The Departed” he played a mob boss, and in “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” He played R.P. McMurphy, a crazed gambling mental patient. Nicholson is a great actor, but he portrays his roles so well it’s a bit intimidating. I don’t want to be a victim so I’m playing it safe. I use his movies as guidelines in what to avoid in a partner.

Ok, so most of these rules are silly. They are meant to be. Odds are, you’ll remember them better if they amuse you. I certainly know I do. They aren’t serious or hold deep meanings, but I have found that they work and open your mind. Pretty soon you’ll be coming up with your own wacky rule to live by! I’d love to hear what you guys come up with. When this column is posted online, please fill free to post your wacky rules or email them to me at Jessica@picsbyjessica.com.

Jessica Brown is the photographer for the Barrow Journal. You can reach her at jessica@picsbyjessica.com.